You Might Be Networking, But Are You Listening?

"Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment." - Polonius, in Act I, Scene III of Hamlet

We have ears, therefore we believe we listen.

BUT (I'm jumping right in on this one) we're not good listeners.

We're too self-focused, too self-absorbed to listen effectively - most of the time. We're sought out for advice! We have things to say! A point-of-view to share! Our listening isn't the problem...it's the other person, our conversation partner, who is the problem - THEY didn't hear what we were saying, or they weren't grasping our feedback, advice, guidance...

Now is the time to zip it, to get out of your head, so you can hear how to listen.

Imagine That! There's More Than One Way to Listen

Here are a few of the ways we listen:

✅ Waiting-to-talk listening: You're formulating your response while the other person speaks; barely absorbing what they're saying.

✅ Solution-focused listening: Immediately jumping to advice-giving mode; listening only to identify problems you can solve.

✅ Comparative listening: Constantly relating everything back to your own experiences ("Oh, that reminds me of when I...").

✅ Judgmental listening: Evaluating what they're saying rather than simply receiving it.

✅ Bearing witness listening: Pure presence; listening to understand their experience without agenda, commentary, or the need to fix anything

Networking Tip: Pause to assess the conversation you're in, reflecting on the type of listener you are being, or better yet, you need to be. If someone is giving you the same lame excuse for the upteenth time, then yes, depolying a waiting-to-talk listening strategy to end their lame excuse diatribe could be optimal. If on the other hand, your work BFF needs to unburden, and unless they are specifically seeking solutions, I'd strongly suggest sticking to bearing witness listening (more on why, below).

If you're seeking to constantly alienate others, then comparative and judgmental listening are both excellent options.

The Relationship Building Power of Bearing Witness

If you've ever tried meditation, then you'll know, silencing your mind is really f'g hard. And if it's hard, when you're sitting cross-legged in a dimmed room on a yoga mat surrounded by the sounds of nature and vibrations radiating from Tibetan singing bowls, it's no wonder that it's even harder when you're in conversation with another person.

Just as mediation can reshape our minds, here's how bearing witness listening can reshape our relationships:

🗝️ Creates psychological safety: People feel truly heard when you're not rushing in to advise, commiserate, guide, push-back, or resolve. Pssss, psychological safety is also the foundation of high-performing teams.

🗝️ Builds deeper trust (or some level of trust): Withholding commentary signals that you respect their experience as valid and/or respect that it's their place to speak, not yours. And this bit of respect my friends, is a step towards building trust.

🗝️ Reveals what really matters (to them, not you): Ask any coach, when people are given space to be heard, they often share what actually matters to them, which has the added benefit of avoiding the unquestionably awkward "why didn't you tell me!" conversation that's bound to occur in the future.

🗝️ Reduces their emotional load: Like singing in the shower, sometimes people just need to let it all out, nothing more, so let them.

But Let's Admit It, Just Listening Is A Struggle

Here's why:

☎️ Silence is uncomfortable: When we're uncomfortable, we feel compelled to take action, and in the silence of conversational gaps that mean we're compelled to talk.

☎️ We're driven by our egos: We're all a little bit selfish and more than a little self-absorbed, wanting to prove our place in the pack based on our smarts or utility or resources. No shame, other than denying it - or letting it get in the way of good listening.

☎️ We want to do more: Maybe it's insecurity or people pleasing or the need to be a super hero, but the feeling that we need to contribute more than just listening to a conversation is real.

☎️ Cultural conditioning: Long pauses and patience may be the norm in some countries, but try that in NYC where I live? Fuhgeddaboudit! You've been taught how to hear in one culture, and now, you need to learn how to listen in another - so yeah, add geography to the list of why listening is hard.

☎️ We have the attention spans of goldfish: Blame technology, scrolling, and the constant stimulation of texts, posts, DMs - as all of this is making sustained focus increasingly difficult.

Here's the big networking aha! for you: True listening is actually quite rare, which makes it incredibly powerful when you can authentically offer it to someone else.

Instead of worrying about what to say, fret about whether you're listening.

And it may seem counterintuitive after everything I've said thus far but...sometimes the best listening is speaking. Try using phrases such as "what I heard you say is this..." or simply, "say more about that..." to show your conversation partner you're truly, madly, deeply listening.

For Those Times When You Need A Good Listener

Wondering how to flip the script from "why don't they listen better?" to "how can I help others hear me?"

Since you can only control your own listening behaviors, here are a few suggestions on how you can help others become the listener you need:

✅ Tell the listener what you need: "Could you spare a moment, so I can vent? I don't need anything else from you, just space to vent" or "I need a sounding board, and a yes or no as to whether my presentation is solid" or "Could you take a few moments to hear me out on this?"

✅ Give them permission to simply listen: "You don't need to fix this" or "I'm not looking to you for advice right now" halts the need to immediately respond with solutions.

✅ Redirect if the conversation slides into fix-it mode: "I appreciate that you want to help, but right now what I need from you is...." gently resets the conversation.

✅ Ask what others need: When someone else is talking, ask "Do you want me to just listen, or are you looking for input?" (thereby modeling the behavior you'd like when it's your turn to speak).

✅ Acknowledge good listening as often as a good conversation: We're quick to say "I enjoyed talking with you" or "I found our conversation really interesting" and infrequently (if f'g ever) say "Thank you for just listening. That's exactly what I needed". Perhaps it's time to flip the script on that too...

A Networking Insight: Always assume good intent. Most people imagine they are good listeners but have never been taught how (you, dear reader, included). Instead of being frustrated by another's well-intentioned (over)contributions to a conversation, provide them with direction on how you need them to listen.

Need more?

Much of the innate power of storytelling comes from its corollary – listening.

💡 The Power of Listening (Templeton Ideas)

💡 How to understand your inner critic (psyche)

...sometimes you just need to open your eyes and look and open your ears and listen.

💡 The Community I Never Knew I Needed? It Was Right Here All Along. (The Persistent)

And a final networking suggestion: Assuming you completed the networking audit in the sample chapter of my next book (if not, download it and get to it), glance over the names you've written down as Your Go-To's and Your Close Yet Not Quite BFFs, and reflect on a recent conversation you've had with them. What did they share with you? What did you hear? What from that conversation could spark a new conversation (or expand upon the old one)?