When Generosity Backfires: The Myth of Networking Reciprocity

After a hosting a Michelin Guide worthy dinner for a handful of rising stars in global financial markets, I listened to the host, a brilliant woman, explain why she was burned out on helping others, especially those women who don't pay-it-forward: "I've helped so many people get promotions, raises, funding, and make the right connections. But what do I get in return, crickets."

Sound familiar?

Here's an uncomfortably awkward truth: women are socialized to be helpful, collaborative, generous with our time and networks. It's expected of us. We're empathetic doers. We're told all this is our gender's superpower. And don't get me wrong it is a very super and necessary superpower —that is, until it becomes our kryptonite.

The Generosity Trap

Research shows that within organizations, women are more likely to be the "go-to" for guidance, advice, and information than men. We're the ones people turn to when they need something figured out. And here's the kicker: 20-30% of valuable collaborations within organizations come from only 3-5% of employees.

3-5%

If you're always the one saying "happy to help," congratulations—you might be in that elite 3-5% group. Which means you're creating a hellava lot of value for your organization...but perhaps not so much for yourself.

The myth of reciprocity tells us that if we give generously, it will come back to us.

But that networking generosity is not always the optimal networking approach for women. While we're busy being oh so helpful, we're often not being strategic about who we help, when we help, or what kind of help we provide, and perhaps most critically - what help we ask for, in return.

The question isn't whether to be generous (or not) with your network. It's whether your generosity is building network strength or depleting it.

The High-Achieving Difference

Women who reach the highest levels of success are super generous with their networks—because they're also so super strategic about it. And before you get wigged out by that - when I say "so super strategic" I can assure you their strategy is self-care preserving and relationship enhancing.

High achieving women are realistic. They recognize time is a valuable, non-renewable asset so they invest and spend their time wisely. They understand that saying yes to everyone isn't practical; and the smarter, more generous move, is saying yes to people in the right way and for the right reasons. So in some situations, saying yes means dropping everything and in other scenarios, it means a no, or offering up alternatives, or taking a breath before jumping in to solve someone's problem.

They broker connections not to be seen as helpful and generous, but knowing making valuable connections generously strengthens their networks in immediate as well as unforeseeable ways. They share opportunities not just to be nice or gender conforming or reciprocal, but for the very same reason; continuously adding value only strengthens their networks.

The Script That's Sabotaging You

"I don't want to seem transactional."
"She's so busy, I hate to bother her."
"I should be grateful they helped me at all."
"I can figure this out myself."
"I would thought they'd know what I need by now."

Scripts like these keep us giving and giving and giving without receiving. They keep us small while we make others bigger.

Meanwhile, the people who benefit from our generosity? I'm going to take a wild guess that they're not lying awake at night wondering if they're being too transactional when they ask for what they need, from you.

Rewriting the Rules of Generous Networking

1. Your generosity needs connectivity. Being a network bridge for others is powerful—and seeking bridges for yourself is too. While you shouldn't stop making valuable introductions or offering up lucrative connections, you should continuously ask yourself: "What networks do I need a bridge into and who in my network can do this for me?"
2. Not every ask deserves your time — or your network. Generosity isn’t about always saying yes. It’s knowing who’s earned a yes, and who’s just grown comfortable with your availability..
3. Reciprocity isn't automatic—it's negotiated. Stop imagining people can read your mind about what you need - and assuming they will do the right thing, without you ever asking! When someone asks you for help, it's perfectly appropriate to say: "I'd be happy to help you with this. And while we're here, let me pass something by you. I'm working on [specific goal] and I recall you have some [experience] or [knowledge] or [network connections] on this. What do you think, how can you help me with [specific goal]?"

Your New Networking Script

Instead of: "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
Try: "I'd love to stay connected as we both navigate [specific area]."

Instead of: "I hate to bother you, but..."
Try: "I have a question about [specific topic] and would value your perspective."

Instead of: "Thanks so much for the introduction!"
Try: "Thanks for the introduction. It was exactly what I needed to take the next step on [specific goal]. I know you're working towards [specific goal]. I'd love to reciprocate when the time is right."

The real power in generous networking isn't in giving everything to everyone. It's definitely not found in hoping for help in return. It's in giving the right things to the right people—and asking in return.

Your networking to-do this week:

What's one networking "yes" you need to turn into a "not right now"? And what's one ask you've been avoiding that you need to make?

Hit reply—I'd love to hear where you're shifting the balance.