Networking Pro-Tip: A Process For Breaking The Ice

On a Sunday evening in early June, I found myself seated in an enthusiastic audience (mostly women), waiting to hear Emmy Award-winning journalist and author, Allison Gilbert interview #1 New York Times bestselling author, Gretchen Rubin. The evening was part of the signature Connected Lives conversations series Allison is curating and hosting with the 92 Street Y.

To connect the audience (to each other), Gretchen asked us to turn to someone we didn't know and ask "what did you do for fun when you were 10?".

A fun question to reflect on in that moment, but not one you'd necessarily pull out to break-the-ice.

"How do I…" start a conversation or initiate an interaction is a question I'm frequently asked. Walking into a room full of strangers, with nothing to say is something a lot of people fear.

What to say is not my first concern when I think about networking.

But to be really honest, it is not a question I've given much thought to ever, in spite of all my years of relationship building, connecting and networking activities. This has nothing to do with being a social butterfly or bold, out-going personality (I'm neither), rather it's the preparation behind the scenes of the networking choices I make. Walking into a room cold, or unprepared, is not in my nature – nor part of my networking-thought process.

And yes to get comfortable with networking (whether you call it networking or relationship building or connecting or whatever!) and to be effective at it, I truly believe you need to approach it as a process. This is especially true in the digital era when we're constantly connected to mobile devices 24/7, and over-scheduled due to a persistence of FOMO.

The Oxford dictionary defines process as "a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end." Just as you need a starting point to commence "a process", you need to establish a goal or set an intention before you race off haphazardly, undertaking activities you presume are networking.

Knowing the "particular end" you're seeking typically solves the problem of not knowing what to say.

When I walk into a networking venue, I have a clear understanding of why I've chosen to be there. My end goal could be to hear from the speaker or to discover the value of a networking group or to catch up with a former colleague. That simple understanding of why I'm showing up, somewhat naturally leads to knowing how to strike up a conversation, how long to stay or what to do at the event.

Knowing the "particular end" you're headed towards eases any anxiety along the way.

Let me illustrate this "networking as process" approach with an example from my own career: the first 85 Broads power breakfast I attended in the spring of 2009.

For years former Wall Street friends of mine had suggested I join the global women's business networking group 85 Broads. I declined the suggestion until I found myself in a new role at work and stumbled across a very good reason to check out this membership network. In my new job I was tasked with reinvigorating the alumni program for a global law firm. To do so, I needed DIY ideas as the community-building challenge I was handed came with limited resources beyond my own wits (and grit). I started looking around at the ways other organizations had built highly-engaged voluntary communities, and it suddenly dawned on me that 85 Broads (originally an informal alumni group of former Goldman Sachs executives) could possibly provide a roadmap for the program I was building. So I signed up for the next event on their calendar (the monthly power networking breakfast). I arrived early, took a seat to observe the group dynamics – and jumped in to the conversation (without a script or planned icebreaker or rehearsed elevator pitch) to learn more about why the members loved the network.

The questions flowed naturally from my purpose for being there:

🤔 Hi, I'm Kelly. This is the first time I've attended an 85 Broads event. How about you?
🤔 When did you join the network?
🤔 What were your reasons for joining?
🤔 Do you regularly attend these breakfasts? Which other 85 Broads events do you recommend attending?
🤔 Have you participated in events in other chapters?
🤔 How active is the online community on their website? Have you made valuable connections there?

Nothing earth shattering, but all in all I'd say those are perfectly adequate "icebreakers" to start the dialog with the particular attendees around the table that morning. And any lingering anxiety I may have been holding onto (around "what to say") dissipated in process of considering why I should be in the room in the first place.

The dynamic of each in-person networking event is different, just as our reasons for attending are. If you're only focusing on what to say, you're focusing on the wrong end of the networking process. Long before you walk into any networking venue, sit down and consider why you're choosing to attend. How you engage will flow naturally from there...

pssss, while breaking the ice might be stressful, talking to people reduces stress levels: The Easiest Way to Lower Cortisol, According to a Longevity Expert (Vogue)