Is It OK to...Ignore The Networking Asks from Someone You've Helped in the Past?

OK Kelly,

I have an email from a mentee languishing in my inbox. Ignoring this email is agitating me as is the idea of responding to it. Here's why I'm so annoyed. My mentee reached out three or so months before this email, asking for a reference in connection with a job she was applying for. I was delighted to provide her with a reference and excited about her new job. Later, through the grapevine, I learned she had landed the job. This information was not communicated to me. Now my mentee is back with another request for my help. I'm wondering if I'm seeing a pattern already starting forming with this mentee - a lot of networking asks and no networking updates. Should I be annoyed? Am I being too sensitive on this?

Annoyed Executive

Dear Annoyed,

You're irritated at how you perceive your mentee treats networking contacts and that's holding you back from responding to your mentee's latest request. And all the while you're wondering if you're over-reacting, being dramatic and reading too much into a single networking ask.

Am I right?

I feel your mental struggle on this one.  

As you're an executive with years of experience, and your mentee is early in her career, it seems to me she needs some of your networking wisdom, not just your contacts and gravitas. I think you need to explain the networking give-and-take to her and how, in the job search scenario (that is, her request for a character reference), her networking give was simply to keep you in the loop. Indirectly discovering she landed that job was poor networking form on her part, frankly.

This is another mentoring moment for you, as I'm assuming good intentions and that your mentee is just oblivious. Here's what I suggest:

• Respond to her email with a "I'd be happy to help with this, but I need to speak with you first" (and suggest times when you are available to speak).
• Let the mentee know how you feel, and how not hearing news first hand is off-putting for those, like yourself, who like to help the next generation of aspiring leaders rise. 
• Guide her on smart network-building etiquette (i.e. if she continues using her network this way - asking for things and failing to recognize the critical role of mentors in making things happen - she is likely to alienate key contacts and lawd knows what will the whisper network will be saying). 
• Watch how the mentee responds to what you have to say. Let her reaction to this mentoring moment guide you.

As I noted above, I'm assuming good intentions on her part, so hopefully she is grateful to be enlightened on this relationship building faux pas! But then again, if she's not, my suggestion would be to find yourself a new mentee.

Ok?

K.

p.s. For those scratching their head wondering why on earth Annoyed Executive would be troubled by this new networking ask from the mentee, let me shed a little light on this: 

1. Showing a lack of respect for the networks of others is a danger sign. If you're cavalier with me, how are you treating my connections? Yes, one networking transgression is enough to plant a serious seed of doubt as to whether someone is opening and willing to help you in the future. 
2. Annoyed Executive like others, has worked hard to build strong relationships, and she needs to be able to tap into it for her needs, the requests of others not simply for a single mentee. So back to point number 1. Why would Annoyed Executive piss off her network for the sake of one (more) networking asking from someone who has shown themselves to be an inconsiderate networker?
3. Networks can get fatigued very quickly it we're always asking for things and not giving in return. Read the fable "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" if you're puzzled by this point.
4. The networking give of a mentee is simple: be courteous by giving thanks. Acknowledge the networking debt with a simple "thank you for your reference letter, I landed the job". When reach out in the future, acknowledge the help you've received in the past (i.e. "I could use your help again, would you mind if I asked you to....").
5. Know that mentors want to help, and that all you need to provide in return is a wee bit of courtesy. It's not for the mentor to chase you to find out what happened as a result of a reference letter or referral or introduction. That's YOUR responsibility, your networking give in the give, give, get exchange. 

And a suggestion. Download Chapter 2 of my next book, The Social Billionaire. This chapter is a network audit designed to unearth the network you have around your ambitions. And my guess is that by completing those exercises, you'll source up some names of people who have helped you out, and maybe, just maybe, reaching out to them to let them know how much you appreciated their support would be a good idea...