From My Inbox: The Power of a Strategic No

Shonda Rhimes had her "Year of Yes," saying yes to everything that scared her and documenting the transformation that followed. It's a compelling story of breaking out of comfort zones and embracing possibility.

But what about the power of a strategic "No"?

Just last week, I said no to someone seeking industry introductions. No, not because I'm rigidly gatekeeping my network, rather it was because this particular request clearly revealed a narrow networking mindset—the assumption that coffee dates and informational interviews are the starting point for gathering industry insights, and rapidly escalating our knowledge in a field we’re embarking to enter. No. Just no. Yes, sometimes our strategic no needs to be to our own limited thinking about how to approach networking.

But back to the yeses that plague our careers.

The cost of chronic yes-saying isn't just burnout. It's diluted network power, scattered energy, and at some point, the stunning realization that all those yeses are not advancing your ambitions.

The Yes Trap

"If you want it done, ask a woman."

You've undoubtedly heard this “compliment” too many times. Maybe you've even spat it out (in annoyance), when once again, you've succumbed to saying yes.

Time to embrace no, because here's what the research reveals.

Linda Babcock's groundbreaking research in "The No Club" shows that women spend approximately 200 hours more per year than men on non-promotable tasks—equivalent to an extra month of work annually. We're 44% more likely to be asked to take on the scheduling, note-taking, party planning, and committee work that keeps organizations running optimally, but rarely leads to advancement.

So we’re being asked more AND we're more likely to say yes.

The data from LeanIn.org and McKinsey's Women in the Workplace reports shows this "yes" pattern across industries: women are doing the "office housework" that's invisible to promotion committees. We're organizing events, supporting team well-being, and shouldering DEI efforts—unpaid, invisible labor that eats up the time and energy we need for career-advancing assignments.

Why do we default to saying yes?

Societal conditioning tells us good women are helpful women. Who wants to be labelled an "unhelpful b#tch"? Some us may also fear missing out on connections that are forged around shared interests – like improving the functioning of the workplace. We may also assume (wrongly!) that any visibility equals valuable visibility.

But research reported in Harvard Business Review highlights the disconnect: the tasks women are asked to do more often aren't the tasks that lead to promotion. All we're doing with our yeses is networking ourselves into a support role instead of elevating ourselves into leadership.

Reframing "No" as Leadership

A strategic "no" isn't about being difficult or unhelpful. It's about protecting the three elements that actually move your career forward: focused goals, sustained effort, and strategic relationships.

It's recognizing that your time and energy are finite resources that deserve intentional allocation. It’s recognizing that your reputation is built by what you chose to take on.

It's understanding that saying no to the weak opportunities creates space for the higher value ones.

Here's something else: your "no" is a chance to elevate others—which has the added benefit of strengthening your network in the process.

Three Types of Strategic No

The Redirect No (unlocking opportunities for others)

This is when you decline but immediately connect the requester with someone better suited for the opportunity.

"I can't take on the event planning committee this year, but let me introduce you to Maria—she's looking to build cross-functional relationships and would be fantastic at this."

Why this works: You maintain the relationship, demonstrate your skills in making valuable connections, and give someone else a growth opportunity. The person asking gets someone who's genuinely excited rather than your reluctant participation.

The Clarity No (protecting your brand and network expansion)

This is when you decline opportunities that don't reinforce where you're navigating your brand, and/or need to expand your network.

"I'm stepping back from industry-specific committees this year to focus on cross-sector leadership opportunities."

Why this works: It signals intentionality and helps others understand how to bring you opportunities that align with your goals—gradually shifting you off the "more of the same assignments" request list.

The Capacity No (protecting your grit)

This is declining to preserve energy for what matters most. Better to show up fully for fewer commitments than poorly for many.

"I'm not taking on new committees this quarter - I need to deliver on the initiatives already on my plate."

"I'm stepping back from committee work this quarter to focus on the client deliverables that are driving our Q4 targets."

"I can't take on another committee right now - I'm heads-down on the product launch that's been flagged as critical for the business."

Why this works: It demonstrates discernment and protects the quality of your existing relationships while creating space for promotable work.

The Network Benefits of Strategic No

Here's what happens when you start saying no strategically:

You shift from helper to strategic player. When you decline with clarity, identifying the opportunities you're actively executing or pursuing, your network starts seeing you differently.

When you're not available for everything, your yes becomes more meaningful.

Your No Strategy

Before your next automatic yes, ask:

✅ Is this office housework or strategic work? If it's scheduling, note-taking, or administrative support, consider whether this advances your career or maintains your helper role. Hey, sometimes you can't ditch the sh#t, but be discerning about when to take it on.

✅ Does this align with my goals? Will you gain visibility, learn a new skill or flex a rusty one? Before automatically saying yes, take a pause and reflect on how the ask can help you. And if you can't connect it to your goals, I'd suggest it's probably a no.

✅ Will this strengthen my networking strategy? Consider whether this opportunity helps you build relationships that advance your career or just keeps you busy with familiar faces.

✅ Is there someone in my network who would benefit more? Just because the ask is wrong for you, doesn't mean it's a sucky assignment for someone else! Your redirect could be more valuable than your reluctant participation.

Your Move This Week:

Identify one current commitment that falls into the "office housework" category. Practice declining gracefully: "I need to step back from X to focus on Y, but let me connect you with someone who would be perfect."

And sample script for the entrepreneurs reading this post: "I can't take on organizing the networking group's monthly events anymore—I need to focus on client delivery and business development. But let me introduce you to Sarah who's looking to build her event planning portfolio and would love the visibility this brings."

Notice how saying no creates space. Pay attention to what strategic opportunities emerge when you're not overcommitted to administrative tasks.

Your network doesn't need more of your yeses to non-promotable work. It needs your strategic nos—the kind that shift you from helper to strategic player.

Look, I know it's completely unjust that women have to think through all this —societal expectations, who we may piss off by diverging from those expectations – just to navigate basic workplace requests. But if we don't put in this mental networking effort for ourselves, who will?

Ultimately the question isn't whether you can afford to say no. It's whether you can afford to keep saying yes to work that keeps you invisible.

Need more?

💡 The Power of Why in a Noisy World (Why Filter helps guide your yes/no decisions)

💡 Strong Networks Have Layers (Understanding which network layer your opportunity serves)

💡 What High-Achieving Women Know About Their Networks (My Focus + Grit + Networks framework)

And Dig Into The Research:

🤓 Babcock, L., Recalde, M.P., Vesterlund, L., & Weingart, L. (2017). Gender Differences in Accepting and Receiving Requests for Tasks with Low Promotability. American Economic Review.

🤓 Babcock, L., Peyser, B., Vesterlund, L., & Weingart, L. (2022). The No Club: Putting a Stop to Women's Dead-End Work. Simon & Schuster.

🤓 LeanIn.Org & McKinsey & Company. Women in the Workplace 2023 report.

🤓 Babcock, L., Vesterlund, L., et al. (2018). Office Housework Gets in Women's Way. Harvard Business Review.