From My Inbox: Small Talk, Big Possibilities

Communication is a shared endeavor - Rob Elias

Musing again* on the value of small talk. And how it generates such profound reactions (avoidance, dislike, annoyance, hate) when the prospect of having to engage in it is raised.

Poor small talk. So degraded and misunderstood.

But here's the thing: If you treat small talk as inferior, as lacking in any value whatsoever, it will stay infinitesimally small. That narrow viewpoint filters out the prospect of discovering shared ideas or experiences or interests or topics to debate - you know, the stuff that can lead to "big" talk.

BTW big talk can be profoundly small too; when a speaker dominates, bullies and pontificates with superiority, or imagines that only "big" conversations are valuable.

Unasked questions unlock stories. - David Hieatt

When given the opportunity to entertain small talk, rather than skirting around the edges of it, fencing in its possibilities, use these three tips to expand the boundaries of the conversation:

"Tell Me More". Use this powerful three word phrase to unlock conversation possibilities. Stanford Expert Reveals The Number One Phrase People Who Are Good At Small Talk Always Use (Your Tango)

Ask a How question. For example. if someone shares a bit of personal news such as a child's accomplishment, instead of the small talk limiting "congrats!" response, try "congrats, and how did this milestone event make you feel?". The how question offers the possibility of a story, and stories can lead to additional points of commonality and connection. Or the discovery of something unexpected. David Hieatt, co-founder of The Do Lectures, likes to ask the non-obvious how question. Case in point (as he shared in a recent newsletter), asking the owner of a street flower and gift stand "how many of your customers buy flowers?" (her answer: zero).

Practice. On New Year's Eve day (bright and early that day, I might add), I was volunteering with New York Cares in the Sunday Soup Kitchen at The Cathedral of St. John the Divine. On the PB&J assembly line, I chatted with another volunteer about her plans for the evening (New Year's Eve). When I noted that I sensed a slight lack of enthusiasm in the elaborate plans she had for the evening, the small talk of "what are your plans for the evening" evolved in a novel and unpredictable way (clearly, 7 months later I still reflect on the conversation). So my tip: find low-stakes opportunities to practice leaning into small talk.

And with that, some more 💩 from my inbox:

💡Before you airbrush out the bad bits, know that it’s your whole story that makes you, You. (The Ian Sanders Co.)

💡New Hires Lose Psychological Safety After Year One. How to Fix It. (HBR)

💡The new etiquette: 56 ways to do the right thing, from how to leave a party to texting after sex (The Guardian) and according to the new rules of etiquette, no small talk is required when your dog is sniffing the genitals of another dog whose owner you don't know.

💡It Seems... (Seth's Blog)

🚀 ICYMI - Fight The Promotion Recession With Feedback And Micro-Networking (Forbes)

*yes, musing AGAIN on small talk. Find past musings in and around the topic of small talk + networking, here (Is it OK to...Skip the Small Talk) and here (Networking Doesn't Need to Suck) and here (Rather Than Networking, Think About Being Of Service).